Questionable Decisions I Made During Last Night's Date

Telling him that even numbers are skeevy and that the volume always needs to be on an odd number, even if 24 or 26 sound better.

Explaining that I am conditioning myself to stop cracking my jaw by snapping the rubber band on my wrist every time I do it. That's why all those red marks are there.

Sharing that my iPhone is having difficulty with directions right now because it is stuck in the state of Texas. I used it to figure out how far it is from Dallas to Dillon, which, it turns out, is a fictional town. Why was I searching for this information? To see how long the bus ride would be for the Panthers on their way to the state championship.

Giving him an impromptu cooking lesson in creating the perfect over easy egg. Yes, I actually cooked an egg. On a date. A person should know how to cook an egg, right?

Remind me again why I'm single.

Good God damn, I must be looking fiiiiiine today.

A customer (another old dude) asked how long I'd been working here and I told him for about 13 years, with a brief stint in teaching for two years.

"Shoot. When I was in school, I never had any good looking teachers. I grew up in the wrong generation!"

For realsies, I think if I hit Barona tonight, I could score a marriage proposal. Bring it, old men!

Flattery

"I don't know if Hyundai makes the best cars, but they sure do hire the best looking people."

-the 88 year old man I went out of my way to help

Why can't everyone be so nice?

and

Hyundai should probably make that slogan into a commercial. Although, it doesn't really sell the vehicles, does it?

When your job makes you physically ill from all the stress and frustration it piles on you daily, it may be time to find a new career.

I find myself slumping up the stairs in the morning, dreading the day to come.

I find life & positivity being sucked from me.

I find that I'm busting my ass, while nearly everyone else slides by because they know someone else will fix what they've done wrong.

I contemplate doing the same, but realize I can't or I won't because I know who will end up picking up the slack for my laziness.

I wonder how it is these people get by in their personal lives. Do they get by? Or is someone enabling them there, too?

I wonder why these people aren't fighting harder for their jobs, by at least striving for mediocrity, when the current economic climate makes it so difficult to find a replacement job.

I wonder why I'm still here. On a daily basis, I wonder.

I am comfortable in the lifestyle my income allows. I'm afraid to live in my car (or worse, back at home with the folks). I am terrified to make a decision about what I'd rather be doing. I'm afraid it will be the wrong decision again.

I need a plan. I need an exit strategy. I need a change.

It's a Wonderful Life, Grampa!

I'm around 852 years behind on my Google Reader feed (especially Jezebel because they post a 8,729 times a day), so I'm just now reading what was posted around Christmas.

They posted a little something called What Your Favorite Christmas Movie Says About You and I am not the least bit offended by the results.

It's a Wonderful Life

What It's About: Seriously? You don't know? OK, so this guy George wishes he'd never been born because everyone's broke and hates him so an angel named Clarence shows him how miserable the world would be if had never existed. So life is affirmed in the end, etc.
Who Loves It: Grampa. You should leave him alone right now because he's napping, no he's not dead, sheesh, old people just need to sleep more than younger people. It's OK, you don't need to wake him up, he's seen this movie a million times. He loves this movie. He used to say "Way to go, Clarence!" every time he made wind. Your grampa's a funny guy. Now leave him alone.

Yeah, I'd say that's a pretty accurate description of me.

Fort Rosecrans National Cemetery
San Diego, CA
12/26/10

I'll Put Some Air in Your Mattress *wink*

I should probably change the name of the blog to "Text Conversations I've Had Recently". The theme will change soon. Promise.

Just had to share this gem from Zoo-Pants.

No man will ever be able to compete with the passionate gestures that my friends offer.

Shame, really.

Texts w/a Side of Wine: RMCM

Since I'm fixin' to lose it at work today, I decided to transcribe snippets from a few wholly amusing text conversations from last night. Permission has been acquired from the participants. Any offensive material has been edited to protect the innocent and the minds of young children.

***
RMCM: How goes the [archery]?

DPants: It was over quickly, praise Jeezy. He didn't murder me & that's a bonus. [ISF] is visiting tmrw night!!

R: Bummer. I always think [archery] followed by death is hot. [M] & I like to play "praying mantis" in the bedroom.

D: You crack me up. He did get a little into hand on the throat tonight, which worried me for half a sec.

R: I shall call tomorrow man "I.S.F."

D: Yes!! To his face too?

R: [M] does the choking thing to me when he's had a few too many.

R: Totally, but first I have to think of a more appropriate phrase to pretend the acronym actually refers to.

D: Igloo Survey Fiend. Naturally.

R: How about "incredibly sexy fellow"?

D: Or that.

D: Insatiable Swan Fancier.

R: Ingenious satan fan.

D: Ooh! Instinctive snowcone fondler. That makes no sense.

R: Irridescent snowman finder.

R: Icky semen face!

D: And we have a winner! No! The snowman one!!

R: So "icky semen face" didn't stick? Bwahahaha

***

R: [M] did the mood app today and his was "trashy"

D: Accurate, I'd say. Have you seen how he dresses?

R: I know! I'm always like "Dude, it's not 1993. Grunge is dead" but he never listens.

D: I'm mostly concerned about his fishnets & short skirts.

R: I worry about the chain mail attached to his nipple rings.

D: What are the odds that we both said "chain mail" today? Small, but it happened!

Texts w/a Side of Wine: K-Dawg

Since I'm fixin' to lose it at work today, I decided to transcribe snippets from a few wholly amusing text conversations from last night. Permission has been acquired from the participants. Any offensive material has been edited to protect the innocent and the minds of young children.

***

K-dawg: Sitting in my jammies, eating edamame and watching Avalon High. I'm such a baller.

DPants: Holy. Crap. LFO came on 2 seconds before I got your text!

K: Perhaps inspired by my actions which are both lyte & funky?

K: I love me some crap movies but I just can't justify this one. Don't get me wrong-I'm still watching.

D: But you'll never guess who King Arthur is!

K: All signs currently point to Will but I'm gonna go with the creepy teacher.

D: Creepy teacher was on something else. I can't figure out what it was.

K: Let me imdb him on my fancy phone...Beepity boop.

K: Marco/Mordred is kinda hot...Mmmmm medieval bad boys.

K: Gasp! Creepy teacher is Mordred??? Moore...Mordred. Oh duh. Bamboozled by a Disney movie. Again.

K: Double gasp! King Arthurs can't be GIRLS!!!

***

K: Hey there mind. Consider yourself a lucky guy cuz you just got blown! epic tshirt right there.


***

D: Um. A bus just rolled into a lake on Camp Rock 2: Lame Rock.

K: I'm telling you...it's no Camp Rock 1.

D: Wait! Big dance number! It may be ok after all.

K: It really would be much better if Lovato fell and broke her leg.

D: :( It would be more promising with a little Selena, though.

D: I wish people applauded when I was reunited w/my summer boyfriend.

K: You are speaking of Marley I assume?

D: He's my full time lovah! Not my summer boyfriend.

Single Woman Facts

I'm stealing from my own Tumblr here. There are some things I want to move over in an effort to keep everything tidy in one place.

I was told the other day that one of the worst things you can say to a single woman (for the record, I find it extremely insulting that people feel the need to share random “single woman facts” with a single woman) is that she’s too pretty to have not yet found a man.

This was followed up with a, “You just haven’t found the right one yet.”

Ok. First of all, I didn’t start this conversation and I need no validation for my choices.

Secondly, and most importantly, if I still have certain doubts about being in a relationship:

1) Is he going to be sleeping in my bed every night?

2) Do I have to share my almond butter?

3) Will he be adding his books to my bookcase?

Then I don’t need to be pursuing a relationship with anyone.

It doesn’t matter how pretty I am, or how funny, or how intelligent. If I’m not willing to share my space, I think it logically follows that I won’t be able to share my life.